After three weeks at my son’s place in Atlanta, I made the drive back to my home in Florida today—the place where Matthew had the stroke… the last place where I heard his I love you.
It was a six-hour trip, mostly on I-75, and every mile was filled with memories. I prayed. I cried. I talked to Matt out loud. It was a sad trip today. That route used to take me back to him after my visits to Florida—every time I got in the car, I felt joy knowing that at the end of that drive, he would be waiting. Wherever he was always felt like home.
This place in Ocala has long been my peaceful retreat, and over the past two years, I loved sharing it with him. I was worried about how it would feel walking back through the door alone—but oddly, I don’t feel any more sadness than I’ve already been carrying these past weeks. Maybe it’s because the sorrow is already so deep… there’s simply no room for more.
After his subdural hematoma, nearly a month before the stroke, Matt began making plans to wrap up life in Georgia and move here permanently. He imagined it might take 18 to 24 months. Since he never got the chance to fully settle in here, it didn’t completely undo me to walk back into this space—but the memories still sting.
It wasn’t just the house I returned to… it was a thousand pieces of our story, layered into the rooms, waiting to be remembered… the place where his shirts once hung, the way he arranged the items in his drawer, his toothbrush beside mine in the little glass at the sink. Now, only my clothes remain, the drawers are empty again, and a single toothbrush stands alone.
After unpacking the car, I walked the house slowly—tracing the places he touched, sitting in his favorite spot on the sofa, opening the drawers. I found a pair of his click-on reading glasses, and for a brief second, I smiled. Then the tears came.
No one can do this healing for me. I have to do the work myself.
And so I pray for the strength to survive it.
“In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength…” — Isaiah 30:15 KJV
